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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28763688">Forgive Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eagleblaze/pseuds/Eagleblaze'>Eagleblaze</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dark Willow Rosenberg (BtVS), Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Father-Daughter Relationship, Healing, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:15:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,921</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28763688</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eagleblaze/pseuds/Eagleblaze</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on what happened when Willow and Giles went to England at the end of season 6, so spoilers from AT LEAST there.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story will have high levels of angst, including possible suicidal thoughts, attempts and self harm. This is my take on what happened while Willow was in England, and since we weren't told much, It may not be 'Canon' but I couldn't get it off my mind</p><p>NOT WILLOW/GILES SHIP! Its a father-daughter like relationship!</p><p>I know that I just posted another story and it's my first day.. But that other one is already finished in my Google docs, I just have to add chapters every now and then. So.. You get a sad Willow</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Willow shifted in the seat again, ringing her hands tightly together. This was it. They were bringing her to her death. Not that she didn’t think she deserved it. She figured she deserved worse.</p><p>Maybe that was it. She just assumed death for a killer, but perhaps, it was different for her. Perhaps, they decided death would be too merciful.</p><p>Her stomach flopped in anxiety. Despite everything, she didn’t wish for death. She partially thought it would be easier, but not for her friends.</p><p>Her friends. Did she have the right to call them that anymore? She had tried to kill them all. She almost succeeded, with some.</p><p>Shaking her head as tears stung her eyes, she clutched at the black jacket. She still hadn’t changed from the clothes she had killed a man in.</p><p>She was shocked there wasn't more blood on it - she had flayed him alive, you’d think the leather would be stained with blood. Of course, she had done it magically, so maybe that prevented blood from getting on her?</p><p>She bit her lip, squeezing her eyes shut. {I need to stop thinking this way before I like.. Blow up the jet or something.} Willow opened her eyes again, looking at her surroundings.</p><p>They needed to fly to England, of course, but she had been determined too dangerous to be on a public flight. So Giles’ coven sent a whole /private jet/ to pick her up.</p><p>Giles. Giles, despite some important looking mens warnings of him being too close to the case, had insisted on coming. She turned her eyes towards the other end of the jet, her heart twisting. The watcher sat with some men who looked like bodyguards.</p><p>{They probably are. They’re probably there to make sure I don’t kill anyone else.} Willow thought with a horrible wrenching in her gut.</p><p>As it was, there wais a metal collar around her neck as if she were a dog, to stop her magic. She couldn’t take it off with her hands, she knew, though she hadn’t tried. She didn’t want to give any more reason not to be trusted. {Not that I deserve to be trusted anymore. Did I ever?} Willow sighed, hugging herself. {Goddess, I wish Tara was here..} She thought, shutting her eyes against the tears again.</p><p>{How many more times will I let her down? I’m still letting her down, and she’s dead!} As the words crossed her mind, Willow felt sick. {She’s dead. She’s really gone… I’ll never hear her laugh again.. Hold her - have her hold me.. See her wonderful smile… See /her/ ever again!}</p><p>Choking on a sob, Willow curled up in her seat, holding her knees to her chest. She couldn’t see, but Giles shed a tear for her.</p><p>***</p><p>Willow hadn’t noticed she had fallen asleep until she was woken by a gentle hand shaking her shoulder. She opened her eyes to a blissful forgetfulness, yawning. When her eyes focused, everything came crashing down on her again.</p><p>Her breath caught at the intensity of emotions that broke over her, but she didn’t get the time to calm down. The bodyguard guys had joined Giles, the one who had woken her, and were instructing her impatiently to get up, saying it was time.</p><p>{Oh goddess.. Its time.. Oh… oh goddess.. I'm going to die..} Trembling, she forced herself to her feet. She found herself surrounded by the bodyguards in about a second. Giles stepped beside her, putting a hand on her shoulder.</p><p><br/>“It’ll be okay. There’s nothing to fear.” Willow just nodded slightly, her body tense with fear.</p><p>{I wish I could believe you..} She was led to a set of large doors, which the bodyguards opened. There was a platform in the middle of the room, in the middle of a star made of chalk. On each point of the star, was a person, whom Willow assumed were spellcasters of some sort. {This is it. This is how I die.} She thought, gulping as she was led to the platform.</p><p>She was told by a gruff voice to kneel on the platform and stay there. Struck by terror, Willow searched the room for Giles. She didn’t deserve it, but she wanted to see her friends face before dying. She wanted to cling to any sort of comfort she could find.</p><p>She choked on tears when she saw the older man being ushered out of the room. The watcher looked over his shoulder at her sadly, but didn’t try to fight to stay.</p><p>At least he’d be able to give the scoobies the news of her death, so they wouldn’t have to worry. She wondered if she would be mourned, or forgotten. Swallowing heavily, Willow ducked her head in acceptance of her fate.</p><p>{Is Tara watching, from wherever she is?} She tried to distract herself from the increasingly loud chanting around her. {Will I see her again? Or will I be sentenced to some hell dimension-? Probably the later..}</p><p>The air around her started to pick up, a swirling red light trapping her. It reminded her of the spell she had used to raise Buffy from the dead.. Maybe this was karma.</p><p>It started as a tingling so dull that she thought it was the way she was sitting. Then it changed into a stinging, then a burning pain. While she couldn't move from the platform, she had the ability to curl her fingers and toes in pain, gritting her teeth tightly to try not to scream.</p><p>She knew she deserved this. She didn't want to make it seem like she didn't. The burning engulfed every part of her body, causing a high pitched keening noise to break from her throat. Willow could feel herself getting horribly faint, and her vision started to spin and go black.</p><p>{This is it.. Tara.. Tara i'm sorry.. So.. So.. Sorry..} As that thought ended, the barrier broke and Willow collapsed limply to the ground.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning for heavy angst this chapter! There's suicidal thoughts and self-hatred, and sadly this isn't as bad as the angst will get. </p><p>However, you get a nice little Willow and Tara dream.. Sorry about the mushinness</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Willow gasped, shooting up from her lying position. A light filled her eyes, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, shockingly. She looked around, raising her eyebrows in confusion.</p><p>She was in the stereotypical ‘heaven’, with clouds and warmth all around.</p><p>{Well this is..} She frowned, {Wrong.} Hesitantly, she pushed herself to her feet. {Am I actually dead? But I can’t be - I wouldn’t go to heaven. I killed a man - two if you count Rack, but was he really a man-? Nevermind that.}</p><p>The area felt even warmer, making Willow look around. Her heart skipped a beat. It was her. It was her blonde goddess. Sobbing, Willow threw herself into the other woman's arms, nearly knocking them both over.</p><p>“Tara! How-?” Tara pulled her into a tighter hug, her own body shaking with quiet sobs.</p><p>“You aren’t dead, if thats what you’re asking..” Willow pulled her head back only enough to look at Taras face.</p><p>“I’m not? But-” Tara tilted her head, cupping Willows cheek gently.</p><p>“Did you really think Giles would let you be killed?” Willow paused at that, opening and closing her mouth silently for a moment.</p><p>Finally, sound came out, “I.. No, but.. I.. I killed-” Willows heart clenched. “Oh goddess.. You.. you know.. You saw..?” Tara didn’t answer, staring at her solemnly.</p><p>“Wasn’t it you who said we’d always find each other..?” Willow was frigid with shock and regret.</p><p>“Tara.. I..” Tara looked away. “Goddess.. Willow, did you really think that.. K-killing someone.. In my name.. Would do any good..?” Willow shook her head, near speechless from tears.</p><p>“I.. Didn't think I just.. Missed you so much-” Tara looked like she had more to say about that, but she didn’t. “Its so.. So hard..” Tara pulled her closer again, sighing heavily,</p><p>“..It’ll only get harder, sweetie. Just.. Just know I’m right here with you, even if you can’t see me.”</p><p>With that, Willow felt Tara fade, falling face first onto the ground. “Tara-? Tara?!”</p><p>***</p><p>Willow woke in an uncomfortable bed, springs digging into her back. She sat up with another yell of her lovers name, her muscles ached in protest.</p><p>She looked around, frowning. She was in some sort of cabin, it seemed. Where, she had no clue. She almost felt.. Disappointed that she wasn’t killed.</p><p>{Maybe it would’ve been too merciful that way, though.} She thought, fear flopping in her belly as she forced herself to get up. {They have to be planning to do /something/ with me - why else would they bring me here?}</p><p>Pushing that thought from her mind, she shuffled around the small cabin.</p><p>There was a slight draft, making her shiver, but there was a fireplace. Willow noticed it looked a bit like the one at Buffy's house, reminding her of a certain forgetting spell gone wrong.</p><p>Shuddering at the memory, Willow decided not to light the fire, even if the room was cold. There were too many memories. Too much guilt.</p><p>The next thing she noticed was a small kitchen. There were two pale counters in the corner, one with a microwave, a stove and a small fridge. Above them, there were two cupboards.</p><p>Shuffling over, she opened the first one. In the first cupboard, there were plates, cups, and bowls. In the next, there were sorts of non-perishable foods. Cans and boxes whose labels Willow didn't bother reading.</p><p>Closing the cupboards, she opened a small drawer with some silverware. Under the sink, there was a cupboard with pots, pans and cleaning supplies.</p><p>The floor creaked as she checked out the only door other than the front door, which turned out to be a cramped bathroom.</p><p>Her stomach flopping as the cabin became suffocating, she went to the front door. Yanking it open, she tried to rush into the fresh air, being stopped by an invisible force that sent her to the ground from the unexpected impact.</p><p>Trying to catch her terrified breath, she rubbed her sore bottom. {What am I, a vampire?} She looked around again, closing the door and hugging herself. {Was this their plan..? To lock me up in her until I die..?}</p><p>On instinct, she tried to break whatever barrier was holding her with magic. Almost the second she tried, an overwhelming nausea swept over her making her stagger. Breathing through it shakily, it increased her fear.</p><p>{What did they do to me..?} Hobbling back over to the bed, she sat on it, pushing her back against the wall and wrapping herself in the scratchy blanket. {It's probably better than I deserve. Safer for others, too, if I'm stuck in here.}</p><p>She sighed, already missing her friends. Gulping down more tears, she forced herself to get back up, going to a small dresser.</p><p>It had some t-shirts, long sleeve shirts, sweatpants and jeans, along with some undergarments and pajamas. Grabbing some pajamas, she headed to the bathroom, trembling as she undressed.</p><p>She paused, staring at the jacket. She had dressed a lot like her vampire self, now that she thought about it.</p><p>{Angel did say that a vampires personality reflects who they used to be. Was I.. Always evil?} She swallowed the lump in her throat, putting the dirty clothes in a hamper.</p><p>She noticed that there was a washer and dryer in the corner of the room that she hadn't seen before. {How considerate. At least they didn't lock me in some tiny jail cell to rot.}</p><p>Trying to shut her thoughts off, she climbed into the shower. Of course, her thoughts stayed - did they ever leave? It was always a constant babble. It was either nonsense, school, demons, insecurities or multiple at the same time.</p><p>She barely noticed the tears running down her face as she scrubbed and scrubbed.</p><p>Finally, after her skin was raw and red, and the cold of the shower became too much, she climbed out. Towelling off slowly and getting dressed, she opened the bathroom door and stumbled into the main room.</p><p>She wasn’t sure why she had closed and locked the door, since she was the only one here, and it would probably stay that way.</p><p>Almost as if only to spite her, the front door was opened. Willow tensed and backed into the wall, fear rushing through her. She wasn’t sure why she was afraid.</p><p>Well, she thought she had been brought here to be killed or tortured, so maybe it was fair. Despite being unsure of what she expected in the first place, she didn’t expect Giles to enter. Of course, he had his bodyguards in tow, but still.</p><p>Willow relaxed slightly, but she was still on edge.</p><p>“Dear lord, its freezing in here.” Giles murmured, starting a fire in the fireplace before turning to her. He paused for a moment, as if unsure what to say. So she said something first,</p><p>“Is it time?” The former watcher frowned, even more confused.</p><p>“Time for what?” Willow ducked her head, wringing her hands together.</p><p>“Time for you to kill me.” Giles straightened in shock, shaking his head.</p><p>“No, Willow, we aren’t going to kill you-” Willow gulped, not looking up. She seemed even more scared at that.</p><p>{It was dumb of me to think they were just going to isolate me. Of course they are going to..}</p><p>Her thoughts trailed off as she forced them to. If she thought more about it, she didn’t know if she could keep herself from running.</p><p>“Willow, look at me.” Reluctantly she did, noting that the bodyguards hadn’t advanced on her. “We aren’t going to hurt you. We’re here to help you.”</p><p>“..W-Why..? I.. I ki-”</p><p>“You don’t need to remind me. I haven’t forgotten what you’ve done, no one has, and we won’t. But I believe that there’s a chance for you to change.” Willow stared back at him, trying not to let herself succumb to the hope that tried to flow through her.</p><p>“How.. how can I..” Giles frowned, pity sneaking into his eyes. Willow, not able to stand it, looked away.</p><p>"It'll be hard, but we can teach you how to use the magic correctly. That spell the other night was to drain the dark magic from you.. Had we not, it would have killed you. While you are in this cabin, you're unable to use magic.. I'm sure you've already found that out."</p><p>Willow bit her lip, stomach flopping with guilt. She nodded slowly to confirm it, and winced visibly at Giles' sigh. "Once they.. Believe its safe enough.. We'll take you outside to practice safe and healthy magic."</p><p>Giles looked like he wanted to pull her into a hug, but he refrained. It only made her sadder. "It won't be easy, Willow. Even though we took the dark magic from your body, after such.. Strong powers going through you, your body will need to adjust to not having them." Willow held her breath,</p><p>"Cold turkey again..?" Giles shook his head.</p><p>"That wasn't safe to do, it gave more chance for you to have a break like you did." Willow blinked,</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"While I can see why you did, this time we aren't going to risk it. We'll be teaching you light, non-harmful magic. That doesn't change that your body needs to adjust to the loss of /Dark/ magic, but it reduces the chance of you-" Willow looked back down.</p><p>"Going insane and homicidal again?" Willow shook her head, lifting her eyes to his pleadingly, "Giles.. I cant.. If I do any spells, I.. I won't be able to control it again-! I-I don't want to hurt anyone else, Giles!"</p><p>"Willow-"</p><p>"No! Just.. Just stop me.. Just prevent me from hurting anyone else-! Please, Giles..! Just.. Just.. K-Kill me if you need to.. But I cant.."</p><p>Giles started to put a gentle hand on her shoulder, but she flinched away, backpedaling in panic. "I-I can't.."</p><p>"You can. You just have to try." Willow backed herself into another corner, holding her shaking hands up as if to keep him away.</p><p>"I /did/ try! I thought I had everything together! I thought I finally got my life back.. Got /her/ back! But it was all fake! I cant.. Cant.. I was destined to be a bad person - You saw the vampire me! I cant let it happen again!"</p><p>Giles slowly walked towards her and she shook her head wildly, pushing herself further against the corner. "D-Don't come closer! I-I dont want to h-hurt you again! /Please/! Just.. I understand if you cant do it yourself b-but-"</p><p>Giles finally got within arms reach of her, pulling her close and cradling her to his chest as she sobbed, trying to push him away. "Please.. Dont let me hurt anyone else.." She hiccuped between words, finally burying her face in his tweed jacket.</p><p>"We aren't going to kill you Willow. It'll be okay in the end, I promise.."</p><p>After painful minutes of Willow sobbing and trembling, she succumbed to her body's exhaustion, passing out in Giles' arms.</p><p>The older man sighed, setting her in the bed before leaving with his bodyguards. It wasn't up to him. It was up to her, now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Even more angst, worse than last chapter! Comes with the warnings of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, self-hatred and such.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The area around her was so dark that she hoped it was just her eyes closed - at that point she didn't know if they were or not. When she blinked on instinct, she knew that her eyes were open.</p><p>{Where am I..?} She tried to feel for walls and furniture, but it seemed the darkness was infinite and empty.</p><p>When a single light lit the room, she almost fell over in shock. Fearfully, she inched towards the light.</p><p>{A mirror? Why is there a mirror?} The mirror didn't reflect anything until she was up close, and when it did, Willow reeled in horror.</p><p>Dark stripes of magic sparked around her blood soaked fingers. She was wearing the same leather jacket, except the blood showed this time. It was blinding.</p><p>Her hair was black and smoothed, dark veins protruding from her face. When she reached the eyes, all she could see was a black pit of anger and despair.</p><p>Nearly hyperventilating in denial, Willow started punching the mirror. She paid no attention to the glass shattering around her or the added blood to her fingers as she screamed...</p><p>***</p><p>"NO!" She woke with a start, nearly jumping off the bed.</p><p>Stumbling in horror, she stumbled to the bathroom. Trembling, she stopped in front of the mirror, running her fingers through her red hair.</p><p>"A dream.. It was only a dream.."</p><p>{But was it?} A part of her mind asked, voice lower than usual.</p><p>Willow shook her head as if there was a fly buzzing by her ear, starting to pace. "I.. I'm not like that anymore!"</p><p>{Are you sure about that? There's not a bit of you that wishes Warren would be alive again so you could take your time, not interrupted by your friends?}</p><p>"O-Of course not-!"</p><p>{Did your need for revenge and power ever really leave? Or are you just acting?}</p><p>Willow shook her head more, tightening her fingers in her hair. "No! Stop it!" She screamed to herself, "I didn't mean to hurt anyone!"</p><p>{I'm sure the marks you left on your 'friends' will say different. You almost killed all those you say you love.}</p><p>Willow knew it was true. She had almost ruined everything - maybe she /did/ - she wouldn't know until she saw everyone again.</p><p>Was the 'dark' side of her truly gone? Would it ever be? Maybe the only reason she wasn't doing anything now is because she /couldn't/ with the magic barriers. Would she just try to kill everyone again, once she was free?</p><p>"NO!" She screeched, punching the mirror as she had done in her dream. She had become the very thing she thought she was helping Buffy destroy all these years. "NO NO NO!"</p><p>Willow repeated the word over and over, barely noticing the physical pain the broken glass was causing her. She was too focused on the mental pain.</p><p>After a little while, she slumped down against the wall, crying again. She wondered how she wasn't dehydrated.</p><p>Her eyes drifted towards the broken glass everywhere. What if the voice was right? What if she would kill everyone the second she could?</p><p>Tears stung her eyes, self-hatred and fear at what she could do fueling her, she reached out a shaky hand. The broken glass felt cold in her hand as she wrapped her hand around it, barely wincing as it dug into her palm.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeesh, it's definitely a hard start. All my stories end up very angsty for some reason.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Giles comes to check on Willow.. What does he find?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Slowly, as if everything was in slow motion, she moved the piece of glass towards her other arm. She laid her wrist out, staring at it as she moved her hand, Taras face flashing in her mind.</p><p>After a little while of staring, the glass positioned right over her vein, she screamed and threw the glass across the room into the wall. It shattered into even more pieces as she buried her head in her hands, barely noticing the small pieces of glass that stuck in her forehead.</p><p>"Willow? We've come to che-"</p><p>Willow lifted her head slightly at the sound of Giles' voice, wiping a blood covered hand over her wet cheeks, lodging some glass pieces further into her knuckles.</p><p>Rushed footsteps neared the door until half a second later, Giles appeared in the doorway, looking at her and the room in shock. "Dear lord.. Willow, what happened?"</p><p>Willow didn't answer, lowering her eyes again. This time when Giles came towards her, she didn't push him away, but she didn't reach for him either.</p><p>"Come on dear, let's get you out of here.." His voice didn't stop Willow from hearing the bodyguards radio something, but she let him help her up and out of the room.</p><p>Now that she was slightly mentally numb from her breakdown, she winced at the broken glass in her feet, hands and face.</p><p>"Here, sit down.."</p><p>Willow listened, but she still wouldn't look up. {What did I almost just do..? Did I really almost kill myself..?}</p><p>She knew it would be easier.. The pain would be gone, and she would be with Tara.. But she knew that her pain wouldn't disappear there. She would've been pushing it onto her friends, and onto Giles, who had done all he could to get her here unharmed, and was now talking to her in a soft voice while one of the bodyguards went to get medical supplies.</p><p>{How could I have been so selfish?}</p><p>Giles' voice snapped her out of her daze. "Willow, dear, I need to take care of your wounds. I'm going to pull the glass out, alright?"</p><p>Willow nodded, still not looking up.</p><p>"Can you tell me what happened, Willow?" As he asked that, he pulled out a pair of pliers from a first aid kit he had been brought, grabbing the edge of a piece of glass on her forehead. Gently, he started to pull it out.</p><p>She winced. "I.. Fell."</p><p>Giles frowned, setting the shard of glass in a small bowl before moving onto another one. "With your hands?"</p><p>"I uh.. Tried to catch myself?" Giles shook his head gently, moving on from her forehead to her knuckles.</p><p>She clenched her teeth for a second, then exhaled slowly. She didn't realize until now how much her hands hurt.</p><p>{Guess thats what happens when you fight a mirror.}</p><p>"If you dont want to tell me, then that's fine. Its up to you if you accept help or not."</p><p>Willow looked down, watching as he picked the last of the glass out. "I.. Had a bad dream. That I was still.. Still.. Her."</p><p>Giles sighed, pulling out peroxide, pouring some onto a washcloth and dabbing at her cuts. She bit her lip, grimacing.</p><p>"That'll happen. It's.. Hard, but you need to accept that she /is/ still a part of you."</p><p>Willow closed her eyes, trying not to melt down in front of Giles again.</p><p>"But that doesn't mean that shes /all/ of you. Everyone has a dark side to them."</p><p>Willow shook her head, sniffing. "Not like me. Not everyone brutally kills someone."</p><p>Giles sighed again - was that all he could do around her anymore? "Well, no. But we're all capable of it. Even me."</p><p>Willow shook her head. "Thats different-"</p><p>"How? You were overwhelmed with grief and dark powers."</p><p>"You /didnt/ kill someone! /I/ did!"</p><p>"Still, given the right circumstances anyone could-"</p><p>Willow flung her eyes open and yanked her hand back, tears running down her angered face.</p><p>"No! That's not true! /She/ couldn't have! She /wouldn't/!" Willow screamed, "Don't act like it isn't my fault! Don't act like I didn't have a choice! I /did/! I /wanted/ to kill him! I /wanted/ him to suffer! He took my light away - he took EVERYTHING away, and I wanted to do the same to him!"</p><p>Giles watched calmly.</p><p>"As her.. With the magicks.. It took away most of the pain.. The feelings.. Until all I was focused on was power."</p><p>"Willow, I'm not trying to say it wasn't your fault. I'm trying to say that there were factors that heavily pointed you towards that choice. You had pent up power in you, in which Tara was the only barrier keeping you from using it.."</p><p>Willow looked down.</p><p>"Its not surprising that when she was gone, it broke a dam inside you. Add along the trauma of not only watching your newly reunited lover die.. But /holding/ her, and being covered in her blood.. You wouldn't have been thinking of anything else until you came down-"</p><p>Willow looked back up, solemn honesty showing in her eyes. "Thats the thing Giles.. I didn't plan on coming back. I didn't want to live through it. I wanted to kill Warren, then myself… I even told Buffy and Xander. I.. I told them I wasn't coming back. I didn't mean from the magic.. I meant in general."</p><p>Finally, shock filtered onto Giles' face. "It was a.. Sucide mission?"</p><p>Willow shrugged, "I mean, if you put it that way.. Well, still yes. Part of me.. A lot of me.."</p><p>She took a deep breath. "A lot of me still wishes I had succeeded. Everything here.. Everything in this world is.. Its painful. I just want to be with her.” Willow’s stomach rolled slightly, “But thats impossible now, isn’t it..? She’d be in heaven.”</p><p>Giles cocked his head. “Who says you can’t go there too?”</p><p>Willow looked at him like he was dumb.</p><p>“I killed people, I got addicted to freaking /magic/! I wiped peoples minds.. I.. I betrayed my friends.. I tried to end the world..” Her words cut off with a soft sob, “Do I need to continue?”</p><p>“No.. No, you don’t. But who says you can’t make up for it? You still have your whole life ahead of you. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing for years, and help /save/ the world, and I’m sure theres a chance.”</p><p>Willow let him take her wounded hand back, sighing sadly. “But what if they don’t want to take me back? What if even once I finish whatever you do here, Buffy and the gang don’t want me near them? I wouldn’t blame them. I could try to save the world on my own, but I doubt there’d be a long life to live after.”</p><p>Willow squeezed her eyes shut as Giles washed out and bandaged her cuts.</p><p>“We’ll only know with time.” Giles sighed, “For now, you should make yourself some dinner or something. Do you need us to bring you some books to read-?”</p><p>Willow just now noticed a group of people installing cameras into the corners of the house, all except the bathroom.</p><p>“What are they doing?! Are those cameras-?!”</p><p>Giles put a hand on her shoulder, sighing when she still flinched. “Yes. We can’t risk you hurting yourself again. Just change in the bathroom and be sure to close the door.”</p><p>Willow bit her lip against tears, nodding and looking away. “Willow, I know this is an invasion of privacy but you must understand-”</p><p>“I do understand.” She muttered. She did. She knew she had diminished the little bit of trust they had put in her. It didn’t stop it from making her uncomfortable or sad. “Books.. Would be nice, please.”</p><p>Giles smiled and nodding, giving her hand a gentle pat before getting up and leaving.</p><p>Willow shuffled onto the bed, burying herself in the covers. She knew she needed to eat.. She just didn’t feel hungry.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I do NOT think that almost attempted suicide attempts, sucide attempts or sucide in general is selfish.. But as a person who has gone through thoughts such as that, and with Willows insecurities, I thought it fit.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Giles had brought her some books, along with a journal and reminded her that she needed to eat, but she didn’t want to move. She felt so tired, and she was getting shaky, so she knew it was coming.</p><p>Willow was alone again, at least, Physically. The camera light blinked to let her know it was on. She didn’t think it had sound, and even if it did, she couldn’t help herself from talking to an empty room.</p><p>“Tara? You said you were here all the time.. Can you.. Give me a.. Sign so I know you’re here?”</p><p>Willow waited, looking over every inch of the room for any change.</p><p>“..Well, time to add insane to the list.. Oh wait, I think it’d already be there.” She shrugged. “Are you mad at me, Tara? If I were you I would be. I mean.. What I did before.. That was horrible as it was.. But.. but I.. This.. its so much worse..”</p><p>Willow sighed, rolling out of bed. She supposed she better eat while she could still keep food down. Her steps were messy and tired as she hobbled to the kitchen, opening the cupboard of food. Nothing looked like anything she wanted to eat. Sighing, she grabbed a cup of noodles, filling to the line with water and popping it in the microwave.</p><p>As she waited, she opened the journal. {I suppose thats some way to have some privacy for my thoughts.} But did she have a pen?</p><p>She shrugged, checking the drawers and cupboards, until she found that Giles had included a pen in the box of stuff he had brought her.</p><p>{Duh, I should've looked there first.}</p><p>The beeping of the microwave made her jump with a squeak, dropping the journal and pen on the floor.</p><p>"Dang It!" She bent down, quickly gathering the dropped items and tossing them on the bed for later. Maybe she'd try writing in the journal. Maybe it would help some.</p><p>Then she hustled over to the microwave, which beeped again before she reached it,</p><p>"Shush! I heard you the first time!" She opened it quickly, grabbing the steaming cup with just her bare hands.</p><p>She hissed in pain, setting it quickly on the counter, almost spilling some. "I'll just let it.. Cool down." She muttered to herself, shuffling back to the bed.</p><p>Picking up the journal and pen, she stared at the empty page. After dating it, she started to just write, not putting much thought into it.</p><p>
  <em> Dear journal - is this how you start a journal entry? I mean, it isn't a person.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Anyway.. Where do I even start? So much has happened. I suppose I start with the most important part.. Tara. Oh goddess, Tara. When I saw her at that wanna-be-wicca meeting, I never thought it would get this far.</em>
</p><p>Her handwriting got sloppier as she started to shake. Whether it was from magic withdrawal, or crying, she didn't know.</p><p>
  <em>But then in that room, with the gentlemen outside.. When you grabbed my hand, I knew. We started hanging out, doing spells.. And you were so amazed at my power.</em>
</p><p>Willow narrowed her eyes at that, but shook her head.</p><p><em>And near the end, thats why we.. Why </em>you<em> broke up with me.. Its sort of ironic. </em></p><p>
  <em>I was too arrogant and stupid to just let the magic go. I mean, that was all you knew of me. Thats how we met, that's how our bond grew..</em>
</p><p>
  <em> You didn't know me when I could barely get an intelligent sentence out with people I didn't know. You didn't know me before magic made me feel I had purpose.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> But still.. How could I have been so dumb? Of course you loved me for more. I guess I have abandonment problems.. Guess that will happen when you've been abandoned so many times. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But you never did.. Until I hurt you so bad you had to run. Run from me. I can't blame you. I did then, a little, but that was me being dumb as always. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>People have always said I was so smart. I think they were horribly wrong. But.. You loved all of me, even for my dumbness. Will you still love me, after all I've done?</em>
</p><p>Unable to continue writing, she shut the cover and set the book aside. She had messed up in her life, many times.. But this time was so much worse. And there was no Tara to hold her and make everything better.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Im not sure why I always write sad stuff ^^´ but it happens. I hope you enjoy it anyway, and I really appreciate the support.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>~It was happening again. Her worst nightmare. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tara turned away from the window joyfully, thumbs in her belt loops. Willow wanted to throw herself between her and the window.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Willow wanted to pull Tara into her arms and to safety, but she couldn't. She couldn't move. Not how she wanted to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then something went wrong. She saw and felt her arm raise, choking silently in horror to see she held the gun. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No! This isnt right! Tara, go! Tara get away from me!" She tried to scream to the still smiling women, but no sound came out. "Please!" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then suddenly her own finger pulled the trigger. Blood splattered as she screamed in her mind, watching as her lover fell to the floor.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Finally, she was able to collapse to her knees, but she couldn't drop the horrid gun. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"My fault.. My fault.. So sorry.." She sobbed, watching as the life drained from her soulmates eyes again..~</em>
</p><p>"NO!" She screeched, jumping in horror, only to end up tumbling off the bed to the hard floor with an "Umph!" Noise.</p><p>Willow pushed herself up carefully, looking around. Again, just a horrid dream. She breathed a sigh of relief, wiping the suddenly dripping sweat from her forehead.</p><p>She stared at it, groaning as her stomach rolled in a familiar way.</p><p>{Not again!}</p><p>Stumbling out of bed, she stumbled to the bathroom, falling in front of the toilet and heaving up nothing. Her chest burned from the action, but she couldn't stop until minutes later, when she let herself fall away from the bowl.</p><p>{Ugh.. this again. Why didn’t I learn my lesson the first time?}</p><p>Groaning, she wiped her head again.</p><p>{And I forgot to eat while I still could… Good going. A couple days wont hurt..}</p><p>She stumbled back into the bedroom, grabbing the pillow and blanket before stumbling back to the bathroom, shivering.</p><p>She already knew the drill. Setting herself up on the floor, she pulled the blanket tight around her, tossing in her make-shift bed.</p><p>Only a couple moments later, the blanket was kicked off, then the cycle repeated.. Over and over again, pausing to heave into the bowl every little while.</p><p>{Stupid.. Stupid me..}</p><p>She thought, clutching her stomach as waves of pain rolled through it.</p><p>{This is all my fault anyway.. I brought this on myself. Just like last time.}</p><p>A small knock on the door got her attention, but she didn’t want to move. She had just managed to get comfortable after a bout of dry heaving.</p><p>“Willow, Dear? Is everything alright?”</p><p>Willow groaned, forcing herself into a sitting position at the sound of Giles’ voice.</p><p>“Yeah! Just.. ugh..”</p><p>She could hear him enter and struggled to gather herself, stumbling off the floor where she sat. The older man turned the corner before she could hide her makeshift bed.</p><p>His face fell slightly. "Dear lord, you look like death itself."</p><p>Willow looked away, the sudden movement making her head spin. Giles moved to catch her, leading her back to the bed and helping her sit. He pulled out a napkin from his jacket, dabbing it against her sweat soaked forehead.</p><p>Willow turned her head. "You don't have to do that.. Its my own fault i'm in this mess again."</p><p>She saw Giles shake his head slightly, but he withdrew the napkin. "The coven thinks it's safe enough to start your training, as long as the area is under close watch."</p><p>Willow nodded distantly, wondering if she would even feel up to it. She could barely stand on her own, let alone hone in magical powers again.</p><p>What if she lost it again? But if Giles and his coven thought it was time, then it was time.</p><p>"Something wrong?"</p><p>She hesitantly moved her head to look at him, fidgeting. "I just.. What if i'm not ready? What if I lose it again and kill a bunch of people?"</p><p>Giles frowned sympathetically, "If you think that way, you'll never be ready."</p><p>She paused to think about that sentence then shook her head slightly, "But.. What if I really cant do it? What if I lose control and hurt someone else - or you - again?"</p><p>"We'll only be using the purest of magic, and even if you were to lose control again.. We have other strong casters here, who will most likely be there to supervise."</p><p>She went to protest, but he cut her off,</p><p>"Yes, you have lots of power, but up against a whole coven of casters who had been training their whole life.. You won't harm anyone Willow."</p><p>Willow turned away again, wiping sweat from her brow as the shakes and cramps made themselves known again.</p><p>"..and if I do..? If the only option is to kill me?"</p><p>Giles looked down at that, not even trying to protest that they wouldn't kill her. If they truly needed to do so, to protect the others, he was sure they would. But he was also sure that they would try other options first.</p><p>"What would you tell the gang then?"</p><p>At his silence, she glanced back at him, frowning further to see a guilty expression.</p><p>"Have you even told them anything?"</p><p>"I.. Told them that we made it here safely.."</p><p>"But?"</p><p>"I didn't tell them of what we are going to be doing."</p><p>Willows stomach flopped, and she didn't know if it was withdrawal still or her own fear. "Why not? Is it really that dangerous..?"</p><p>Giles cleared his throat, "Its not that. I'm not sure they would.. Approve."</p><p>Her heart sank as she got his meaning. "..of me using magic again?"</p><p>Giles nodded solemnly. "You must understand-"</p><p>Willow gave a small, sad huff, "Oh, I do. Thats the point. I nearly killed all of them… and I.. I seemed like I was having fun." She looked down, "And maybe some part of me was.. But that's the point. I don't trust myself, so why should they?"</p><p>"Trust can be rebuilt."</p><p>Willow smiled humorlessly, "Not in yourself."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Willow has her first meeting with the Coven leader.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Giles had gone quiet after her last statement, sighing in resignation, seeming to know it was pointless to argue. He had told her quietly to get ready, and that they would head for her first lesson soon.</p><p>Reluctantly she agreed, but before he left, she put a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>"I have a request, Giles."</p><p>Giles looked to her, nodding for her to say it.</p><p>"If I go dark again.. Let them kill me. I can't risk hurting anyone again."</p><p>He inhaled heavily, "If it comes to it.. But only if there's no other option."</p><p>Willow hesitated, but nodded slowly. She knew that was the best she was getting. He left to let her get ready, which she did by getting dressed, brushing her hair and dabbing some color to her face.</p><p>For a moment, she paused to stare at the place the mirror had been, wondering what she looked like. Taking a deep breath, she went to the exit, hesitating at the door. Would it let her through this time?</p><p>Instead of testing it, she knocked, waiting for Giles.</p><p>The watcher opened the door, smiling solemnly at her. "Will it.. Er.. Will it let me through this time..?"</p><p>Giles sighed, nodding. "I had a member of the coven come down with me to get you. Meet Rose."</p><p>A teenage girl hesitantly stepped out from behind one of the bodyguards, waving timidly. Willow felt a sinking feeling at her obvious fear of her.</p><p>"She's training with the coven, and shes the top of her class. Her mentor thought it would be good practice for her to do this, since shes best with barriers."</p><p>The brunette looked down shyly, reminding Willow of herself. A Willow gone with the years. She prayed to the goddesses that this girl wouldn't end up like her.</p><p>Giles frowned, probably thinking the same thing. "Lets get going, the head of the coven will be expecting you."</p><p>Willow felt a roll of anxiety at that statement - the head of the coven? Giles put a hand on her shoulder,</p><p>"Don't worry, shes quite a nice lady."</p><p>Willow nodded, but stayed silent. She couldn't help but notice that Rose held back, keeping her distance.</p><p>{Guess thats to be expected when you kill someone, though.}</p><p>For the rest of the walk, she kept her head down. Of course, she started to go over horrible outcomes in her mind.</p><p>"We're here. Are you ready?" Giles asked softly, as if she were a small child on her first day of school.</p><p>Honestly, it was a fine comparison. That was kind of how she felt.</p><p>{Does that make Giles my dad? Well, he's always been more of one than my real dad.}</p><p>The door opened before Giles had a chance to grab the door handle, revealing a tall, thin woman with blonde hair and soft hazel eyes.</p><p>"Welcome! I'm Ms. May, the head of this coven. You must be Willow?"</p><p>"Uh.. Yup.. Thats my name-"</p><p>Ms. May chuckled at her answer, waving for her to enter. Willow noted that Rose seemed to relax in the company of the older woman.</p><p>Ms. May, catching her eye commented, "I'm Roses mentor. Each of us feel a special connection to our apprentices when they first arrive - we don't choose who we train, the goddesses do, and they chose the head of the coven for Rose."</p><p>Rose ducked her head again, reminding her of Tara this time.</p><p>{Is everything going to remind me of Tara now?}</p><p>"Fitting. She's a good student. She'll be assisting with certain aspects of your lessons, though some she must sit out for."</p><p>Willow tried to take in every word the woman said, but she couldn't help but look around the room.</p><p>There was a circle made of women of different ages sitting on pillows, watching her every move. Willow guessed they were afraid of her too.</p><p>There were two pillows in the center, which Willow assumed were for her and Ms. May. Two vacant pillows on the edge of the circle were where Rose and Giles sat.</p><p>Immediately, Willow felt the power of the circle once it was closed. Willow flinched when Ms. May put a hand on her back. The woman frowned and pulled her hand back immediately,</p><p>"Don't worry dear, we aren't here to hurt you. Some of the processes might be.. Tough, but no physical harm will come to you."</p><p>The unfinished part of the sentence hung in the air. Willow knew what she kept out.</p><p>{'Unless you turn dark again'}</p><p>Willow watched as Ms. May gently lowered herself to one of the pillows, waving for her to do the same.</p><p>Willow did, feeling the stares of everyone on her.</p><p>"Don't focus on them, Willow. Focus on me."</p><p>Willow looked to Ms. May, a pit of anxiety flopping her already upset stomach.</p><p>"May I check your aura, dear?"</p><p>Willow nodded slowly, knowing that asking was more of a courtesy than an option.</p><p>Ms. May held her hands out, grabbing Willows in her own. She didn't seem to mind that they were covered in sweat.</p><p>The older woman closed her eyes, staying silent and still for moments. Willow didn't dare to breathe.</p><p>Finally, she felt her hands released. Ms. May opened her eyes slowly to stare into hers, sympathy written on her face.</p><p>"Oh, sweet child.."</p><p>Willow swallowed roughly, going to look away from the pity. Ms. May put a hand on her chin, gently turning her back to face her.</p><p>"It isn't your fault, child. It was just her time."</p><p>Willow tensed up at that, biting back tears, not stopping to wonder how she knew.</p><p>"But it was my fault.. He wouldn't have been there had I not brought Buffy back-"</p><p>"That was always meant to happen. Thats why you felt such a pull to do so.. It was fate, for all of you."</p><p>Willow squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head.</p><p>"No, no, it was my fault-"</p><p>"There's no fault to place on that matter. You couldn't have known what would happen."</p><p>Willow wiped at tears that trickled down her face,</p><p>"I.. Should've."</p><p>"You're only human, Willow. As am I. We may practice with the powers of goddesses an earth.. But we're all still human."</p><p>Willow shook her head again, her breathing picking up as she got more upset.</p><p>"T-That doesn't matter! Buffy's human, and she didn't kill anyone, even when she had the chance! Even for all his tough guy act around other guys, Xander wouldn't do what I did! And.. And.."</p><p>Ms. May stayed quiet.</p><p>"And.. Had it.. Tara would never do such a thing.. She.. She'd be /ashamed/ of what i've done.."</p><p>“Had it been you, dear, theres no telling if she w-”</p><p>Willow threw her hands up in the air, wincing when everyone in the room flinched. “STOP! Just.. Just STOP THAT! Stop.. Stop acting like it isn’t my fault! Stop acting like it..”</p><p>Ms. May stiffened, but Willow didn’t notice.</p><p>“Calm down, Willow.”</p><p>“I know with every inch of my being that Tara wouldn’t have done what I did! She is.. Was.. so.. So forgiving and kind and.. And she forgave me again and again and..”</p><p>Willow balled her hands up, wanting to scream at the top of her lungs. She probably would have, had she not heard Giles’ voice break through her mind.</p><p>“Willow, look at your hair-”</p><p>Willow froze. Grabbing a handful of her hair, she moved it in front of her eyes, feeling horrified to find it black.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Im trying to remember to write and update! Sorry for the late chapters</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“No no no no-”</p><p>Despite her wish for her hair to go back to red, all the emotions swarming her made her fingers tingle and crackle in energy, begging to be released.</p><p>All she could hear was blood rouring in her ears. In the background, Giles was yelling for everyone to calm down, but loud chants rose in the air.</p><p>Ms. May had stood up, as if she were trying to shield her coven.</p><p>Just as suddenly as her hair had turned black, her head felt an overwhelming pressure that caused her to collapse into unconsciousness.</p><p>***</p><p>“Don’t worry Mr. Giles, that spell was supposed to be harmless..”</p><p>Willow was fading in and out of consciousness, her head pounding.</p><p>“Then why hasn’t she woken up yet..? Its been almost three days-”</p><p>“It was meant to render her unconscious so she couldn’t harm anyone..”</p><p>“She could have gotten it under control-”</p><p>“We don’t know that. Fear was radiating in the room, and had I not done the spell, someone else would have. On such short notice and with such chaos, Mr. Giles, you must understand that the spells power might have been off a little. She’ll probably wake up with a headache, and should stay in bed for a while but..”</p><p>Willow didn’t hear any more before she faded out again.</p><p>***</p><p>“..If she doesn’t want help, we can’t do much.”</p><p>“Are you saying you’ll turn her away-? She’s a child-!”</p><p>“A child who has killed two people - that we know of!”</p><p>There was a pause.</p><p>“Listen, I’ll try my best with her, but.. Theres no guaranteeing that we’ll be able to pull her back..”</p><p>***</p><p>After another couple times of phasing in and out, Willow managed to open her eyes. She regretted it instantly as light assaulted her sight.</p><p>She could register a soft beeping, and prayed everything was a dream, and she was in a hospital. Everything that had happened was a nightmare. That Tara was in the room beside her..</p><p>“H-Hello..”</p><p>Willow forced her eyes back open, having trouble focusing them on the girl in the room. It was the girl from before - Rose?</p><p>“This doesn’t mean anything..” Willow murmured, shutting her eyes again. “People can wake up within dreams.. In a little while, I’ll wake up for real-”</p><p>Rose stared at her curiously, “..You really are just a person.”</p><p>Willow tried to block the voice out, waiting and hoping to wake up with Tara by her side.</p><p>“Everyone else made it seem like you were some monster.”</p><p>Willow forced her eyes back open, slightly glaring at the girl.</p><p>“Who says I’m not?” She rasped weakly, her throat dry and cracking from lack of use.</p><p>The girl stayed quiet, watching her. Willow groaned, rubbing her eyes,</p><p>“Where the heck am I..?”</p><p>This definitely wasn't the cabin. It seemed like a hospital, beside the fact that the outside area was quiet.</p><p>“You’re in er.. The infirmary’s isolation area.”</p><p>Willow looked down. “And why are you, of all people, here?”</p><p>Rose paused, then responded quietly, “Ms. May wanted the person tending to your health to be someone familiar, and since you met me before - Besides, everyone here trains in all areas of magic, and healing here is especially important to learn, because its one of the purest forms of magic.”</p><p>The slight babble again reminded Willow of herself.</p><p>“..So you guys are still trying to help me..?” Her brows furrowed in confusion, “Why..? I could’ve killed you all, had she not knocked me out..”</p><p>Rose winced at that reminder of the danger. “Your friend, Mr. Giles, seems to really think you can come back from this.”</p><p>Willow sighed. “..Of course he does. He’s like that.”</p><p>She shrugged sadly, turning away on the bed. “Everyone seems to be putting their faith in the wrong places these days. I don’t mean to be rude.. You’ve been nice and all but.. Are you done? I just want to be alone..”</p><p>“Oh.. uh.. Yeah.. sorry-"</p><p>Willow sighed as the girl rushed out. She used to hate being alone. Now, she feared being around people - for their safety, not hers.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Willow stared at the wall, fiddling with the IV tube. Why did Giles seem to have so much faith in her? Wasn't it her who had nearly killed him? Why did everyone keep trusting her, only for it to hurt them in the end?</p><p>Jesse had trusted her, and he had died, while she lived.</p><p>Jenny trusted her, and Willow had tried to distance herself when her friends did, other than schoolwork - and she died.</p><p>Buffy had trusted her to do the spell on Angel, but ended up having to kill him anyway, because she messed up.</p><p>Oz had trusted her, and she had cheated on him with Xander.</p><p>Xander had trusted her and she had tried to put a spell on them to get rid of feelings.</p><p>Buffy had trusted her again, and she brought her back from heaven.</p><p>Giles had trusted her, and she had gone against everything he had taught her.</p><p>Tara.. oh, Tara.. Tara trusted her with her life when they practiced magic, and Willow had abused it. Had erased her mind selfishly.</p><p>Then… Then Tara trusted her yet again.. Only for Willow to let her die.</p><p>Willow noticed the beeping noise sped up, so she tried to sit up and look around. She was surprisingly weak, like she had come down with a bad case of the flu after running a 5k race.</p><p>She melted back into the bedding, wiping her sweaty forehead.</p><p>{Dang.. What did Ms. May do to me..?}</p><p>Squeezing her eyes shut against a roll of nausea and dizziness and clutching the bed sheets, she took a deep breath to keep from throwing up.</p><p>{Or maybe thats from leftover magic… or both. Ugh..}</p><p>Willow hesitantly opened her eyes, wincing against the light again.</p><p>{And again, there's no one to blame but me..}</p><p>She was already feeling drowsy again. She didn't blame Ms. May for the side effects or the spell. It relieved her that she had been stopped before any real damage was done.</p><p>Suddenly the snippets she had heard of Giles and Ms. May came back to her. Willow sighed, pulling the blanket over her head.</p><p>She didn't notice Giles lean against a wall just inside the room as she fell asleep.</p><p>***</p><p>Giles watched as the poor girl started tossing and turning in her sleep almost immediately. He could hear her calling out for Tara and sobbing, then heard her mumbling 'My fault, My fault'.</p><p>He sighed deeply. When Jenny had died, he had thought the same. He sometimes still did. Thats why he had such faith in her. When Jenny died, he too had sought vengeance against her killer.</p><p>Had Buffy not stopped him, he'd either be dead or terribly guilty for killing Angel. Even if he was an evil vampire, he knew that Buffy had loved him, and in the end, it wasn't really him. It was mostly his demon instincts.</p><p>Not only could he relate to her feelings, he had also seen her grow into a strong Wicca, who with her insecurities running wild, got a taste of power and couldn't stop it in the end… at least not in time.</p><p>She had thought she needed it, Buffy had told Giles before he headed off to England. That she thought Tara wouldn't love her without it. He could see why she thought that, in a way. They had met and bonded through magic.</p><p>Magic had given Willow confidence, and made her feel she was actually doing good for the world and the people she loved, and that she wasn't completely useless to Buffy.</p><p>She had helped Tara grow more confident, out of the insecure shell that Willow too had once had. Perhaps she was scared if she showed that side of her, that Tara would lose faith in herself too. As absurd as it seemed, Giles knew that was how Willow thought sometimes.</p><p>She overthought everything, especially when it came to loved ones. He had faith in Willow because he knew that side to her was still there - in the end, he knew the girl had thought she was doing the right thing and helping, and got carried away. It happened a lot, and with her power, it wasn't surprising that it overwhelmed her.</p><p>She was still a good person.</p><p>He too had technically killed people in his past, when /he/ had gotten into dark magic with his friends. He had sacrificed a friend to create a demon. The dark powers were a strong thing, he knew too, and Willow had been vulnerable to it.</p><p>Now.. Now, the girl was broken from her fall into it. But Giles knew she could come back from it.</p><p>She had always been such a caring and loving person, until the one thing that made her feel whole was taken away, and she had snapped.</p><p>Giles flinched as Willow cried out again.</p><p>{Poor girl.. Can't even escape to her dreams..}</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wanted to draw a parallel between Giles and Willow with dark magic, because we know he made a demon and sacrificed his friend to it. I dont blame Giles for what happened with Willow, though I do think he shouldve been more understanding in a couple scenes, since he said himself in one episode that dark magic isnt always something someone can come back from, because its so powerful.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>~Willow had the same dream as before. She had held the gun. Then she had seen Tara.. Her beloved Tara.. Skinless, and knew the stickiness on her hands was blood. Deep in her mind, she knew that wasn't right. But despite it, she was falling farther and farther..~</em>
</p><p>
  <em>~She screamed, and everything shattered. There was a light and warmth that allowed her to relax. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Tara? Are you back?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Willow turned her head, met with a smiling face and caring eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll always come back for you Willow." Tara put a hand on her cheek, and Willow leaned into it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> That look, the look that made her feel whole. Made her feel loved. Tara frowned then, rubbing small circles on her cheek with a gentle thumb. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What's wrong my love?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em> "Besides the obvious…?" T</em>
</p><p>
  <em>ara smiled sadly and nodded. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Willow sighed deeply. "The coven thinks I dont want their help. I.. I think Ms. May doesnt think i can come back from what I've done." </em>
</p><p><em>Tara sighed, "</em>Do<em> you want their help?"</em></p><p>
  <em> Willow looked taken back. "Of course!" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tara blinked sadly, finishing, "Or do you just want the easy way out of things?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Willow went to object, but paused. Was Tara right? She wasn't sure she ever wanted to do magic - or anything - again in this world, without her. As if reading her mind, Tara sighed sadly, pulling her close. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, Will…" Willow clung to her, sobbing, never willing to let her go again.~</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>Willow woke peacefully for once, though once she remembered Tara was dead, she felt the same pit in her stomach.</p><p>"Good morning Willow. Are you feeling any better today?"</p><p>Willow lifted her head to look at Giles, who appeared to have been sitting in the chair for a while.</p><p>"Less groggy, I guess." She admitted quietly, "Was everyone in the coven okay?"</p><p>Giles sighed, nodding. "Ms. May did the spell soon enough. She wants to try something again today, something different."</p><p>Willow shrunk further into the bed. "Whats this 'something'?"</p><p>Giles frowned. "She hasn't told me, but i'm sure it's nothing to worry about."</p><p>Willow just shrugged. "When does she want me?"</p><p>Giles stood, holding a hand out to her. "She said as soon as you're feeling better. She wants to get started as soon as possible."</p><p>Willow yawned and accepted Giles' help getting up. “Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow? We should just go today. Besides, if I go dark again, it’ll be easier to knock me out again..”</p><p>Giles frowned at that, but led her out of the isolated infirmary wing.</p><p>As soon as he opened the double doors to the main room of the infirmary, the looks and whispers resumed.</p><p>Willow took a shaky breath, forcing herself to look forward and keep walking.</p><p>
  <em> “Why is she still here?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I heard..”</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “..evil..”</em>
</p><p>She forced tears back, smiling at Giles weakly when he put a hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“They’ll get over it soon, don’t worry.”</p><p>Willow didn’t respond, not convinced. It was just like school, in a way. You make one mistake, and everyone hears about and talks about it for years.</p><p><em> {Hopefully I won’t </em>be <em>here for years.}</em> She feared as they left the building.</p><p>The bustling movement on the main grounds also reminded her of a school.</p><p><em>{Though,}</em> She mused, trying to distract herself from the stares around her. <em>{It technically </em>is<em> a school - just for witches, right?}</em></p><p>Willow tensed up slightly as they neared a patch of grass outside the main grounds, past all the noise and eyes.</p><p>They were met by Ms. May, who stood to welcome her with an awkward handshake.</p><p><em> {School..}</em> Willow thought with an exhale, <em>{I can do that.}</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Forcing herself from her thoughts, she stared at Ms. May, feeling like a little kid.</p><p>“I.. uh.. I’m sorry about before… I didn’t mean to-”</p><p>Ms. May shrugged, though she seemed more on guard this time.</p><p>“We all have our bad days. Rupert, can you leave us please?”</p><p>Willow looked to Giles in panic, her stomach dropping.</p><p>Giles looked back at her, hesitating for a moment before nodding,</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p><em> {Please don’t leave me!}</em> Willow pleaded quietly.</p><p>Giles just frowned and walked away.</p><p>“Have a seat, Willow.” Ms. May instructed, lowering herself onto the grass.</p><p>“A-Are you sure Giles can’t stay..? I’m sure he’d be really helpful-!”</p><p>Ms. May shook her head, “You’ll be training with him soon enough. I just wanted to talk with you.”</p><p>Willow noted with an anxious lip bite that Ms. May’s voice wasn’t as soft as before.</p><p>“Of course, I’ll be helping with your training, but I wanted to make something clear first. Without Rupert here.”</p><p>
  <em> {Uh oh, second day and i’m already in trouble with the principal. Agg! Shut up brain, focus!}</em>
</p><p>“I tried to trust in what Rupert has said about you, but theres a new rule with me and you now. Trust has to be earned. Its clear that <em>you</em> don’t trust <em>me </em>and there’s no reason for me to trust you. I have many reasons not to, in fact. I tried the soft approach, but clearly that doesn’t work on you.”</p><p>Willow gulped, fighting the urge to run or cast a spell.</p><p>“I will continue to aid in your training, but if I see any sign that you are a danger to my coven, I will not hesitate to.. Stop you.”</p><p>Willows eyes widened at her meaning. “I.. Are you saying you’ll…”</p><p>Ms. Mays tone didn’t soften. “If needed.”</p><p>“I-It w-wont be needed, I promise!” Willow managed to squeak out after a pause, gulping again.</p><p>In the past year, she might not have flinched at that threat. She could probably easily defeat this woman alone in a fight.</p><p>
  <em> {But not now, nope! Fight free!}</em>
</p><p>She urged her mind, watching Ms. May wave for Giles to join them. Giles looked between them, seeming to notice the fear coming from Willow,</p><p>“Everything okay here?”</p><p>Ms. May smiled cheerily, her voice back to how it was before. “Of course! Ready to get started?”</p><p>Giles nodded, while Willow’s fear and suspicion grew.</p><p>***</p><p>Willow trudged after Giles, grumbling against the rain. They had spent the entire day trying to ‘be one’ with the earth. Ms. May had gone on about how all good magic came from the earth and mother nature, and how she had to /feel/ the energy and power it gave off, warning that it wasn’t hers to abuse.</p><p>“Oh, I feel mother nature now..” Willow grumbled, wiping rain from her face.</p><p>When it had first started pouring, Willow had thought that Ms. May would end the lesson. But instead, the coven leader had made her stay where she was, in soaking clothes, to tell her about how even the tiniest rain drop was powerful.</p><p>How even the rain could kill or give life and energy.</p><p><em>{Yeah, kill me through hypothermia!}</em> She thought bitterly, her teeth chattering.</p><p>They had sat in the rain for over an hour, in silence, with Ms. May telling her to connect to the energy the weather was giving off.</p><p>When Giles had noticed Willow was shivering, and her lips were blue, he had requested they stop for the night. Ms. May agreed, after staring at her for a moment.</p><p>So now, Giles was leading her back to her cabin, which was a little ways away from the actual coven area.</p><p>They had to pass through a small forest, which was slippery and muddy as ever. Willow had tripped and slid a couple times. Giles had been able to steady her all but one time, when she had fallen face first into the mud.</p><p>Finally, there was a break in the trees and she could see the cabin.</p><p>“How did you like your first official lesson?” Giles asked suddenly, as they neared the cabin.</p><p>Willow wanted to lash out about how horrible it was, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Giles was only trying to help.</p><p>She had dug this hole herself, and she would have to pull herself out, even if it was a miserable process.</p><p>“It was interesting. At least it didn’t end like last time-”</p><p>“Last time there was a lot of pressure on you, with all the people in the room. I talked about that with Ms. May and she agreed. Eventually you’ll be moved to groups, but for now, we think its better if its just us.”</p><p>Willow nodded slowly, grateful for that. They stopped walking and Giles put a drenched hand on her shoulder,</p><p>“Do you need anything before I go? The barrier will let up for you to get in tonight, but it wont let you out again until someone makes it.”</p><p>Willow paused, wondering if she should tell Giles about Ms. Mays threat. Deciding against it, she gave him a smile and shook her head,</p><p>“Nope! All good here!”</p><p>He seemed unconvinced, but just waited to make sure she went past the barrier before exchanging good night wishes.</p><p>She gave hers, closing the door with a sigh before heading for a shower.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Willow woke with a kink in her neck, rolling over with a grumble. Opening her eyes reluctantly, she looked at the clock on the wall. 2 am.</p><p>
  <em>{Dangit..}</em>
</p><p>After trying for two more hours, and unable to get to sleep, Willow got out of bed.</p><p>When her stomach grumbled, she remembered that eating was a thing.</p><p>Yawning, she shuffled towards the small kitchen, pouring herself a bowl of cereal and eating it with little interest. Her stomach rolled with every bite. Luckily, she was able to keep the food down.</p><p>After shakily washing her dishes, she went to stare out the windows. The sun hurt her eyes, so she shut the curtains, doing so with the rest of the windows also.</p><p>The room was almost pitch black now, since she hadn't turned on the lights or lit the fireplace.</p><p>The room felt chilly, but she was sweating lots.</p><p>
  <em>{Stupid magic withdrawal. When people say things have consequences, they aren't kidding.}</em>
</p><p>Yawning, she climbed back into the bed, pulling the covers over her head.</p><p>For a moment, she zoned out, and her problems dulled in her mind. Then there was a knock on the door.</p><p>"Willow? It's time for your next lesson."</p><p>She grumbled at Giles' voice, pulling the covers tighter. The door swung open, another stern voice joining.</p><p>"If you stay in here, we'll just stay out longer to make up for it."</p><p>Willow groaned, "I don't feel good.."</p><p>"This might help you feel better." Giles insisted, as the covers were pulled off her.</p><p>Willow grumbled again, but forced herself up on shaky legs. Giles went to help her, but Ms. Mays voice stopped him.</p><p>"She needs to learn not to depend on you so much, Rupert. She isn't a child anymore."</p><p>Giles frowned, hesitantly stepping back. Willow glared at Ms. May.</p><p>"Come along now, we have much to do."</p><p>Feeling quite irritable, Willow mocked her in her head, but followed anyway. She was led to a broken down warehouse with a glass roof.</p><p>Narrowing her eyes in confusion, she looked to the two older people for instructions.</p><p>"We're turning this building into a greenhouse, to give back to the earth. There's much work to do for that, however."</p><p>Willow glared at Ms. May in disbelief, "So you're turning to slave labor? In the form of me?"</p><p>Giles spoke up quickly, "We're going to be working on it too, along with a few students. However, we want you to help us.. The natural way."</p><p>Willow was quiet.</p><p>"We want you to help us create the greenhouse without using magic."</p><p>Willow thought back to the party for Anya, and how she relied on magic to make the house look nice.. And Tara's disapproval.</p><p>Heart flopping at the memory, she supposed that this method <em>would </em>probably help. It would remind her not to rely on magic for everything again.</p><p>
  <em> {Besides, it might take my mind off things.}</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter Thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After many grueling days of hard labor, which many times made it very tempting to just use a spell, the warehouse was almost transformed into a greenhouse.</p><p>There were only a few steps left to do, but over time, Willow had come to care for Rose, who helped her out a lot with the labor.</p><p>The girl was goofy like her too, so they were able to make the work more fun.</p><p>In between labor hours, she trained with Giles, starting from floating pencils again. It was a slow and agonizing process, but he taught and reminded her the ways to respect the power, not abuse it.</p><p>Finally the second to last day of labor came. Giles walked her to the building, then paused,</p><p>"I'm needed elsewhere today, Willow. Can you handle it with just Ms. May and Rose today?"</p><p>Willow smiled and nodded. While she had become close to Rose, Ms. May had continued to have an attitude and seemed hatred towards her.</p><p>Sometimes the woman actually scared her.</p><p>Waving goodbye to Giles and telling him to be careful, Willow walked through the warehouse in search of Rose.</p><p>"You've really done it now!"</p><p>Willow frowned, hurrying towards the sound of voices. It was Ms. May.</p><p>
  <em> {Is she talking to Rose? She sounds really mad!}</em>
</p><p>She paused to listen at a door, cracking it open enough to see in. Rose was cowering from Ms. May,</p><p>"I'm sorry! I didn't think you'd mind-"</p><p>"Of course I mind! You dare to defy my rules?!"</p><p>Seeing Ms. Mays hand raise and spark, Willow shot into the room without thought, getting between her and Rose.</p><p>The urge to protect Rose and herself tugged at her. She could probably easily defeat Ms. May with her own powers.</p><p>"What are you doing here? Eavesdropping?"</p><p>Ms. May demanded, shooting a crackle of magic at her.</p><p>It hit her in the stomach, causing her to almost double over in nausea.</p><p>"This is between Rose and I. Mind your own business."</p><p>Willow swallowed her nausea, "Whatever rule she could've broken isn't worth hurting her!"</p><p>Ms. May sneered, "You'd know all about harming people with magic. Trying to use this as an excuse to do it again?"</p><p>Seeing Ms. May aim a blow at Rose, Willow used a quick barrier spell. It intercepted the blow without harming Ms. May.</p><p>"No.. I.. I was selfish before. I blamed my own anger on grief and took it out on others… Rose and Giles.. They've taught me that isn't the way."</p><p>Her eyes glazed in grief,</p><p>"She tried to teach me too.. And in the end, she was the one to pay for it because I didn't listen to her. She only wanted the best for me.. And all i did was hurt her."</p><p>Willow winced against a hit to the barrier, but still made no move to attack Ms. May, who watched her quietly.</p><p>"And I wont do this to them, like i did to her! So if this is your plan to make me the bad guy again.. Tough luck, because i'm not going to go dark and hurt another person through magic again."</p><p>Ms. Mays face softened into a proud smile. Willow blinked in confusion as Giles came out from a hiding spot. Rose straightened up and smiled at her too.</p><p>"Wait just a minute-" Willow murmured, letting her barrier down. "Was this /planned/?"</p><p>"Don't get mad, Willow. It was my idea." Giles said softly, "After you saw the hellmouth vision the other day, I knew we needed to speed this up dramatically. So I suggested we put someone you care for in danger… not real danger, of course. You and Rose were safe the entire time."</p><p>Willow frowned. "You wanted to see if I'd try to kill Ms. May."</p><p>She stated, hurt. "What if i had?!"</p><p>Giles sighed, "The coven was there the entire time. They would've stopped you."</p><p>Willow wanted to be mad, but she understood why he had done it.</p><p>"I'm proud of you, Willow."</p><p>Willow looked around at the transformed warehouse.</p><p>Once, it had been a regular warehouse that had broken over hard years. Then, with some help.. It flourished again.</p><p>Willow sighed. Maybe she could do that too.. Maybe she had.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've been stressed and didnt want to take that out on the story. Also, she wasn't there for long i'm pretty sure in the show, and they said she hadnt finished training so i sped it up A LOT. So… thats the end of this story I guess lol. Though I might be starting another story with another fandom, it's supposed to be angsty and dark.. So my stress fits perfectly!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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